My "AHA" Moment

This journey began with me wanting to figure out what I was doing wrong or should do differently in order to have a successful, long lasting, fulfilling relationship and now has turned into me stumbling onto a path of self realization in a way.  I am learning that picking the wrong guys or giving the wrong signals is only a very small part of the problem. I have to re-evaluate who I am as a person. Which I have been doing.  It started with me deciding to become celibate, which I have not been for very long.  But since I have taken my focus off of that part of my life and re-directed it into my kids, my job, my finances, my faith I am realizing that I have spent my whole life chasing after the thought of being with somebody or in a relationship.  This is the way that I defined myself and my self worth.  If I was not with someone or if I was not attractive to someone then in my mind I was not valid.  I did not exist in a way.  Now it sounds so silly and I can't help but wonder why I felt this way but I know that I did.  I filled my mind with thoughts of "does he like me", "if not then why not", " does he like her, and what does she have that I don't" trivial thoughts, well at the time they were not trival to me at all.  They were the questions that helped me to measure my self worth in a sense. 

But now that I am trying to re-focus I am seeing things so differently.  What use to matter to me then just does not hold any weight in my life whatsoever now.  And it is a freeing feeling that I thank God for.  I am now the person that decides wether or not I am "good enough" and not anyone else.  If there is something that I don't like about myself then I fix it but not to please anyone else but me.  If I come across someone that  is not happy with the way that I wear my hair or with the fact that I don' t want to have sex with them, I no longer feel the pressure to change anything just for them in fear that they may disapprove and leave.  I actually prefer that they do leave. 

I have also decided to revisit my faith.  I have gone back to church. Even though I have never been much for organized religon for some reason right now it feels right.  Maybe it is because I am doing this because I want to and not because someone else thinks that I should.  Or because I want to make an impression of some sort.  My heart and my mind is in the right place and that is being focused on myself and my children.  I am optimistic that the rest of my life will fall into place as long as I continue to place due importance on the things that matter the most.  When this happens then the right person for me will come along.....I am sure of it.

Will and Jada Pinkett Divorce?

Another one bites the dust.  At least that is what the rumors are saying. Apparently Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith are having some serious relationship troubles and are heading towards divorce.  Say it ain't so!  I would really hate for them to brake up because I think they are a beautiful example of a strong relationship.  A wonderful reminder that even though it may seem like finding "the one" is impossible (to say the least) it can actually be done.

Although, I must remind myself that these are "just rumors".  Someone from their camp says that they have relationship issues just like the rest of us but are definitely not headed towards divorce.  I sure hop this is true...but we have all heard this before and then three weeks later they will be scheduling a press conference to announce their amicable split and promising to remain friends.  Will, I will be keeping my fingers crossed.  Whatever it is I know y'all can work it out.  No one ever said that marriage was easy.

I Want What T.I. and Tiny Have

Oh the loyalty and dedication that rapper T.I and wife Tiny have for each other is so amazing.  I must say that I am a tad bit jealous and wonder how I can have a relationship like this.  T.I. seems to genuinely care for Tiny and truly concern himself for her every need. 

If you do not know what I am talking about then you must not have checked out the new VHI realtiy show The Family Hustle.  I love this new show because it showcases what I would call a "ride or die" or Bonnie and Clyde type relationship in the most positive light possible.  It must be fantastic to be in a relationship where you know that the person that you are with will continue to be with you in good times and in bad, come hell or high water, in sickness and in health.  Ok, ok enough of that, I'm sure that you get what I am trying to say.  However, I guess it can be conveyed better When T.I. gave a response to the question  why he thinks Tiny (Tameka Cottle-Harris) is beautiful.

The Family Hustle

I guess a woman that can stay by a man's side who has had multiple jail stints is do a certain amount of loyalty and dedication and Tiny is most definantly that woman.  Maybe I can learn a thing or two from her because I must admitt that my first instinct in her situation would be to run like the wind.  Oh well, I guess I still have some learning to do.  One of the things that I have learned so far is that you never know where your lessons can come from.  Taking a cue from T.I. and Tiny.

     

Damage Done

So I get on the scale this morning and I was very happy to see that I and steadily heading toward my weight loss goal. However, I am not getting there fast enough or not as fast as I would like. I know better not to rush weight loss and slow is the way to go. I just am very anxious to get back to feeling like my old self again. I have already lost like 40 pounds but I gained about 80.......enough said.

But there is something else on my mind. A few nights ago I over heard my neighbors fighting. Someone was getting accused of cheating and being told to sleep in the car. It got real nasty. Lots of yelling and screaming and door slamming. The entire time that I was listening all I could think to myself was how grateful I am to not have to have nights like that anymore. I began to feel sorry for their son (he plays with my son) having to listen to his parents argue like that. I remember arguing like that with my 5 year olds farther not even once stopping to consider what my boys might be thinking or going through. It seems to me that you can only see all the damage that a volatile relationship like that is doing once you are on the outside of it. I remember a few months after I left my volatile relationship my oldest son said to me "mom do you know what I just noticed....you don't cry anymore". It was only then that I realized what they must have went through. At that point I made a vow to never put my boys in a situation like that again.

Now the crazy thing about this night is that I fell asleep listening to my neighbors fight and then proceeded to dream that my ex had a new girlfriend and all I wanted to do was beat her up. Trust me when I say this, I am not a fighter! So I have no idea what that is about. I would love to hear your opinions.